What to Choose?

[f13ticket]

I am trying to decide what my passion should be. I have narrowed it down to two choices. I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me. Thank you.

1: I have been using Free Software for some time. One and off for about a year and a half to two years I have been using Free Software GNU/Linux Operating Systems. I love both Computers and Video Games and I believe a lot in the values and ethics of Free Software. I don't always seen eye to eye with some people in one of their forums. However, that alone shouldn't dissuade me. I have been into Video Games sense I was about three or four, into computers sense I was about ten or twelve, and into Free Software for about a year and a half or two.

2: I have been researching the spiritual for a long time. I've always been interested in it as long as I can easily recall. About Jr. High onward I discovered that I am homosexual and my religious world shattered. It got me asking a lot of questions about spiritual and religious things. At that time I was also very interested in proof of the spiritual. I began watching shows about and reading about spirits and ghosts human and inhuman. I began researching many spiritual and religious teachings. Online, in lecture videos, in books, and through my own spiritual searching I had acquired a great many powerful spiritual truths. I understand the truth about fate, free will, past, present, future, the spirit, and what many people come at from many places that the Christians calls God. I understand Good and Evil, and I understand the truth of existence. These things are abstract and practical. They are also complex and simple. I have delved into Tarot Cards and Talking Boards as well. Most know them as Ouija Boards, but I made my own Talking Board with wood burning. I have found many great spiritual teachers who have, through their lectures, taught me things most do not know. I am thirsty for truth, and the peace and power that is might give me.

I feel torn. Torn between the spiritual and the technical. The world needs more spiritual in it. However, working to give Freedom to the technical is also a great task. I have an understanding that most don't in both fields. I have studied both enough to get a taste of what both paths entail. In a very real way I feel as though I'm looking at a forked road ahead of me. Some might say I should pursue both fields. I love them both, and they will both always bare relevance in my life. But I want to commit myself to one of the two paths as my primary field of study; then unleash myself into it. I don't see how I can give justice to both.

I know this question may seem odd to you. But I am not sure which to take. Please advice. Thank you.

[f13ticket]

To truly understand the spiritual one must combine it with the philosophical, logical, and scientific. I know this well. The knowledge will be used for what I want to use it for. Which will come about in the moment. Let it be that state of manyhood bound and loathing. So with thy all; thou hast no right but to do thy will. I just need to find what my will is. That sounds confusing itself, but many people are familiar with the concept of, "finding themselves." Thank you for your words. And while both things will always be near to me; I do desire to have one vocation. Again, I do not think I can viably give justice to both at once.

[f13ticket]

It's not just about money. It's about what my will is, what makes me happy. What I want to do.

[fridayfan1979]

I think you might just have your answer then.

[f13ticket]

Maybe. I had an awful nightmare last night. Which, in my life, usually means something. I guess a lot of it is that I don't know how I want to do what I want to do.

1: The spiritual is a great study, but I'm not sure of its practical benefits to people. Though, I see its benefits for me. They provide me with a deeper understanding, but it is not a knowledge I can easily share. Most people stay within the religion or mindset they were born into. They want a deeper understanding, but most want it to fit within the confines of what they hold as established fact. And this presents a hurdle when the truth itself does not easily fit within those confines. In helping people through troubled spiritual and emotionality trying times, one should be helping within the structure they're used to and not trying to convert or even lecture them on greater truth. While I would love a partner and protege, I doubt I will find anyone capable of the commitment and open mindedness needed to receive these truths and understandings. It's not that I don't believe anyone aside me from is capable. All are capable. But I believe few are willing. And I doubt I will ever meet in person anyone who is.

So, this study is one I will embark on alone, for my own benefit. Spiritual truth that I can use to see further and clearer than my peers and I can thus use to gain higher positions in life. Understanding of existence that can, at times, make me less afraid of things around me than others. I can cultivate a lesser fear of death. Yet, at times, I fear things most others do not even know of. And, as such, sometimes knowing more is fearing more. And sometimes I wonder what is more blissful, ignorance or knowledge. I look at those who have little knowledge. Then I look at myself and others who do. I think both groups have troubles and fears. I think those with knowledge have more power in shaping their paths. I also think that it's sometimes an illusion. I think the wise put on a false sense of serenity for sake of their own sanity and for sake of those under them to have confidence that knowledge warns against but wisdom praises.

I'm not sure I could put on a face of happiness in the face of darkness for myself or them. So one could say that I could be a great teacher because I comprehend my position is ways many are afraid to. But I don't know if I could ever commit to them as much as I commit to my own studies. I don't like most people, and I think that's a bad trait for a teacher and leader who is supposed to care for them. I recent their blissful ignorance. I recent their blind faith. I recent their lack of spirit. Most people seem without purpose, direction, or specific meaning. They just seem weak to me. I've tried to love many of them as lovers. I've tried to tell myself they are equal to me. I tried to trust them as if they were. And the more I tried to pretend they were, the more they hurt me and rent my heart to shreds. I learned all people are equal in capability. But that most never reach their capability because they lack commitment. And, as such, most are not equal to are above me in understanding and ability. And they only have themselves to blame for not reading what I've read and contemplating that I've contemplated. I recent them too much to want to help or save them. I don't believe they deserve or are entitled to it. And, to be frank, if I seem arrogant I've earned the right to be. And I challenge them to prove to me a reason to feel otherwise. I have yet to find a single soul in person who has; and have found only those who might have been but failed me in critical points.

2: In advocating software freedom I can be active without being, "involved." I guess I kind of hide behind it. It's almost a token, while important, struggle I can get behind that does matter to me and others. But it is kind of dry. And, as such, I can promote it without fear of getting hurt. I guess I kind of what the simplistic innocence that can get with technology. And I can see software working before me. But I still don't understand the spiritual. I understand about the spiritual. I have studied the spiritual. But I have yet to really feel it that often. And I still have doubts about it. I don't want to feel like I'm barking in the dark about something I have yet to touch. With software, I know I'm promoting something more easily recognizable as tangible. I believe the spiritual can be tangible. And even though I've experienced things; I still have doubts. I think I know better, and create these doubts in my mind to hide behind. I guess I want something spiritually blunt to whack me over the head so I know I've hit my head on something real. Though, I do feel I've tapped real and that there is real out there to hit my head upon. Software just seems more easily tangible, practical, easier, simpler, and maybe easier to be happy with.

[f13ticket]

I am still struggling with this question. And regardless, both will still be important to me. It's like a family divorcing and having to choose which house to live in. Regardless of the choice, one is likely to still spend much time in both houses. So, the question isn't as much which one to pick and which one to not have. It's more along the lines of which one I want to have more. I believe that we are defined by what we do. As such, what I put most of my effort in is why defines me. Or, at least, the passion that I put most of my effort behind defines me.

I came into another angle of the debate. Not the same, but similar too, practical application. This new angle is field work. If I choose Free Software as my main passion, most of my work will be using, studying the ideas of, advocating, and some developing of Free Software. Though, I am not much of a programmer. So, it will be more along the studying, using, and advocating side. If I choose Spirituality as my main passion, most of my work will be studying Spirituality, studying Religions, studying Spirits; as well as divination, ghost hunting (trying to find spirits), and eventually working my way to rituals.

I have studied many great teachers in both fields. I find both fascinating and well worth the time. I have learned two rules that I feel are helpful to measure by.

1: People know most what they have the most passion for. This is why not all of my teachers are correct about everything. They, typically, become partially incorrect on their side-pursuits; and each pursuit they have that is further away from their main seems to get increasingly less correct.

Rule One is why this entire topic post is so important to me. What I do as my passion most I will likely be correct, or mostly so, about it for the sake of the amount of studying that goes into it. Likewise, other passions and other pursuits get increasingly less attention; and thus increasingly less accurate. It's like a ice cream man trying to weld and a farmer trying to go on an African Safari. People are best at what they love the most, typically. It is possible, if a person has enough will power, to have multiple mains passions and have them all justice. But, as far as I can tell, this takes a lot of strength, will power, and multitasking.

2: Think not just of the study of the field; but also if one is best at its practice. I often find that I spend so much time trying to figure out what I find most interesting to study and theorize about. But a passion is more than just study, it is also doing. Doing in the field of Free Software takes many forms; most that I would be able to do now is using the software and activism for encouraging others to support the Free Software ideas, the Free Software Movement, the Free Software Foundation, and to also use the software. Doing in the field of Spirituality, again, is looking for Spirits, talking with Spirits, and eventual rituals.

I scare easy. This is a bad thing to have for someone who loves studying spirituality and wants to contact spirits. I sometimes feel scared in my room when the house is empty, and I shouldn't. What good will I be in the field when I still, literally, slept with the TV light on? It's embarrassing for me. But, is it best to ignore it and go to another field where I don't need these skills? Or, is it best to develop these skills, challenge myself, and become good at something I love?

That's the problem, I love them both. Should I be choosing what I am best suited for, what I find most interesting, what I think I could do the most good in, or what I love the most? And, isn't what I love the most what I find most interesting; or can it be one or more of the other criteria?

I am still stuck on this, this question of my original lost here. What do I choose? I think I will be doing the most long term practical good for people with Free Software. I think it is less scary, and I am more suited for, currently, Free Software. However, Spirituality will make me face my fears. Thus, shows the most room and potential for self growth. And while Spirituality might provide good for people, by a case by case basis or in mass numbers, I am not sure I would use it that way. I seem far more interested in solving the mechanic of Existence and learning how to work with it. Or, in other words, learning how Existence works and using divination to contact Spirits and rituals to achieve works. I just feel I might be selfish with Spiritual study. I care about Free Software because it gives Freedom to all users by making the Software Free. It is a human rights, ethical issue, about the technology of Software. Where as I care about Spirituality as a study to achieve fuller awareness, Spiritual Truth, information that is otherwise not easily accessible by the living, insight, power, and perhaps be able to work to a sort of protection for myself in both this and the other worlds.

Studying Spirituality has made me more knowledgeable and stronger. I can see things clearer than most, and have a greater understanding than most. I don't often care to share what I've learned, aside with a select few, and even they often times find it hard to grasp. I am almost frightened by what I might end up becoming. A spirit took it upon itself to warn me of the spiritual harm I might end up doing to myself. It was clear that there were no harmful spirits, currently, where I live. But it did show concern about the spiritual harm I might do to myself with my spiritual study.

I must confess that I fear this also. If I were to unleash, dive into it completely, and take all that it can give me; I fear I might become something I do not want to be. I am almost compelled to hide behind other passions for sake of avoiding this. But, I shouldn't elevate another passion and or deny the passion of Spirituality only out of fear of what I might do to myself spiritually from my study of Spirituality.

My question here is confounded and comprised of curiosity, fear, and passion. I feel I must choose, and soon, and more advice would be helpful. Thank you.

[Chainsaw]

I almost hate to say this considering I cannot truly identify with one religion completely, but it might do you a lot of good to talk to a man of the cloth. Or maybe a man of the cloth that also deals with psychology. Too bad I don't know where to find a living Damien Karras lol.

But if you can maybe talk to someone like that, it could do you a world of good. You just have to read between the lines if you do not agree with everything he's saying spiritually. You have your own relationship with God and nobody can take that away from you.

The phrase you have nothing to fear but fear itself is so true, but hard to follow.
There is also a bible passage that says something to the effect of not having fear.

Bottom line, if I were you I would talk to someone that knows about these things.

Hope this helped a little and good luck.

[f13ticket]

I guess, in a way, I'm looking for a right of passage/a calling. My Dad still lives back in Ohio, and my Step Dad and I are not in a bad shape, but are not as close as hoped for. I have heard of the right of passage concept that different cultures have. I have also heard of people who discover what their calling is. I used think falling in love would fix everything. However, every time I fell in love I got hurt. So, I still feel like I'm in a transition. Maybe into manhood, maybe just to find a meaning. I don't feel like I am specifically doing anything. I feel like a truck spinning in the mud. I still don't know hot to remove this feeling.